The most common visitors to a psychologist are lonely people. Sometimes they don’t even realize that the core of all the problems is exactly loneliness and keep complaining about dissatisfaction with life in general, bad mood, anxiety, conflicts.
That’s why let’s try to define loneliness at first.
What is loneliness?
It is a state caused by an absence of relatively stable positive relationships with another person. A positive relationship implies such communication with another person when both people feel mutual understanding, joy, and even unity (if they are in love), share each other’s emotions and anxieties: they are sad together (but for a short period of time because shared negative emotions disappear very quickly) and happy, too (shared positive emotions, on the contrary, are enhanced).
Lonely people who’ve never had positive relationships with peers feel the worst. They feel awkwardly in any company, their inner world as if collapsing. If they are in the center of attention, they feel discomfort rather than pleasure. Such people always fear to do or say something wrong, cannot join the overall joy, they just keep smiling to seem polite. The main reasons for such problems are low self-esteem and inability to engage in an emotional contact, to share other people’s emotions.
Aren’t the notions of good and bad universal?
Little children behave naturally, as they wish. They learn about their “disadvantages” from adult relatives, who have learned this “valuable” information from their ancestors. Thus, a child finds out that he/she may eat, walk, smile, or eat inappropriately. This way, the primary source of these notions of “good” and “bad,” “right” and “wrong” goes many centuries back, and it is useless to search for guilty ones. Much more useful is to realize the simple fact that such notions as flaws and virtues are made up by people and are not absolute truth.
These notions differ in various cultures. Some tribes consider large bosom the peak of beauty, others glorify a long neck. But even in the same country, people have different opinions on beauty. Somebody likes thin people, others – plump, whereas the third group doesn’t care about appearance at all. Some are attracted by blonds or people with red hair, others like the hair dyed blue. If your parents or colleagues believe the way you walk is sluggish, it doesn’t mean that there is no person in the world who will consider the way you walk the best one just because it is YOUR way of walking. Remember the simple truth: beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Every person is beautiful in a peculiar way.
Realize your self-worth
Lonely women are often advised to change the image (clothes, haircut, etc.). If you want to do it, why not? But do that not to become more beautiful (because you are already beautiful), but just because you want it. If you don’t want to do it, do not care. You can shave your head or make a gorgeous haircut, put on your granny’s dress or a sports outfit, use some cosmetics or enjoy your natural beauty.
All these petty things do not matter because there exists a man that would like you the way you are. YOUR soulmate will notice you in the most inappropriate moment for you, the moment you guess you look not as you should. So, stay calm. Let things happen and people come to you.
Now that you have realized that you are as beautiful as others, let’s consider the problem of emotional intimacy. If you feel you cannot share another person’s emotions, their sincere laughter doesn’t lift up your mood, you can change this situation. Visit public places more often. Watch comedies in the cinemas, go to the theatres or concerts, and other places where many people share the same emotions. The ability to stay in an emotional contact which is essential to a positive relationship is formed through practice only.
He won’t make you happy
Quite often, women are waiting for a man of their dream to come and make them happy. But in fact, we cannot attract others until we like ourselves. The very moment we start accepting ourselves with all our flaws and strong points and realize our worth, others will notice that light inside us and join us as our significant others. There is no psychologically healthy man who wants to become your only source of happiness and life sense; remember that.
Is loneliness really a challenge?
Remember a simple thing: in fact, there is no such problem as loneliness. The population of Earth has already exceeded 6 milliards. That is why it is more than possible to find friends and even one’s sweetheart. You only need a strong desire, firm decision and attentive observation that will help a man to notice his only one, and a woman to choose among her admirers a person who really loves her. During this process, men need to be active, and women need to be able to wait.
To all women, a small secret: In order to marry a Prince, you need to be a Princess, not William the Conqueror. To marry a Prince, you have to cultivate in yourself all those features genuine women have. Be tender, feminine, and caring, and your Prince Charming will find his way to your heart.
Lonely men should remember that the one who searches always finds. In the first place, a woman appreciates your attitude, feelings, and care. If she is paying too much attention to your appearance or material status, she is psychologically not ready to creating a family, to deep serious relationships.
Most probably, she has other goals at this point of her life, so it would be better to search for other women. Nevertheless, if you are sure you need exactly this woman, why not risk? Who doesn’t risk, doesn’t fall in love and get married. Love is the greatest risk and happiness at the same time.
To sum up, the problem of loneliness is rather subjective. It is more a matter of our willingness to take responsibility for our own fate and the choices we make. Once we decide we are tired of suffering and complaining about misfortunes, we start acting. Acting boldly, ruining all the barriers on our way. Everything we need to do is to realize that we are masters of our own fate.
